Relationships
We have spoken about identity, its loss, and the re-making of it previously.
This transformation also impacts our relationships with others - friends, lovers, family, colleagues, and anyone who spends time with us.
In the same way, you may have grieved the loss of self; remember that others may undergo the same process.
Your relationships will change.
Some of them, for better and some for worse (sometimes it has to get worse before it gets better too).
Trust the process. Give it time.
Your relationships will change because you have changed. What was, no longer is.
Some people you spend time with may even resent your change because it holds a mirror up to their behaviour.
They may not be aware that this is the case. It may be an unconscious bias.
You are doing a lot of work on yourself - others may not see things from your new perspective.
It may feel uncomfortable to start, but as you gain confidence, relationships that are meant to be will come back.
They will be different, but they will return and they may even be stronger as a result.
They will accept you for you, and you may even inspire them.
The charity challenge buys you time to find the parts of yourself that you loved that you thought were lost forever.
They will come back; you just have to allow time to connect with them.
I went on a hen do to Croatia three months into my Sober Journey, without any of the mindset work and community support offered in this Programme.
The only thing that kept me sober was the Charity Challenge. I felt boring and like I’d lost myself.
My friends grieved the loss of ‘fun’ Drunk Jo. I could feel it, and I couldn’t drown it out because I wasn’t drinking.
I felt like I was boring at this point too like I was having an identity crisis. It would have been easier to give up, to give in and to just have a drink so that I could be that person again, to fit in.
I’m so glad that that wasn’t an option. Six months in, I felt like a different person at the same friend’s wedding, with the same group of friends. Within three months, I’d gained confidence, and instead of feeling awkward about my decision, I felt proud.
I let go of the need to be loved by everyone. I realised that I can’t make everyone happy. I trusted that the right people would like me. This positive mindset shift made all of the difference, and it allowed me to have fun and be silly with this group of friends, something that I’d struggled with on the hen-do three months earlier.
Keep reminding yourself of why you are doing this.
You’re probably feeling some benefits by now, so share these with people. Be proud of your choice.
You are choosing a healthy lifestyle for yourself, which your future self will thank you for!
If you are still worried about what others think, you don’t have to tell people the real reason why you wanted to stop drinking. You could tell people that this started as a Charity Challenge or as a way to support a friend who was doing a challenge, but as time has gone by, life has changed for the better, and now you don’t think you want to go back.
If you are not feeling the benefits still, this can be hard, but don’t be disheartened; the Sober Journey is different for everyone, be patient and kind to yourself.
If we do not know how you are feeling, we can’t support you - we are all here for each other.
If you are feeling the benefits, then share them with the Facebook Group - your positive energy will help lift those who are struggling - it will inspire others and give them hope that brighter days are around the corner if you keep doing the work. Everyone in the Group is at different stages of their Sober Journey, but they are all on a Journey of Real Self Discovery.
When you start living your life authentically and in alignment, you will start attracting new relationships; after all, they say, ‘your vibe attracts your tribe’! Think of this as an opportunity to meet new like-minded people, supportive of the new life that you are building for yourself. Don’t let others hold you back from your full potential; surround yourself with people who have your back and who are cheering you on every step of the way.
I appreciate that this may be a lot for some people, especially if this relationship is with your lifelong partner. If your partner isn’t supportive of your choice to stop drinking, then this can be hard. Something that you used to do together has been removed from the equation. I was lucky in this respect as my husband wanted me to stop drinking (he was fed up with my drunken behaviour) however, we still had our moments throughout my Sober Journey where I could see that he wished I could join him...just for one. He is not wired in the same way and can enjoy a drink mindfully, however, without the aftermath. I can’t, and I know this about myself. I have had to educate him that moderating is not an option for me and Sober Jo is a better version of me than Drunk Jo!
You are not here to make others feel better about their own behaviour. I don’t stop my husband from drinking alcohol when he wants to. He sometimes feels like he can’t totally let go in the way that he wants when it’s just the two of us anymore, but that’s not my problem - that’s something that he needs to work on himself.
Some people will not be able to understand why you can’t just have one, or why you can feel so terrible after not having too much to drink (in society’s eyes). They may try to convince you that you do not have a bad relationship with alcohol, as maybe you only have a couple of drinks or maybe you binge once in a blue moon, but what is important is that you remember WHY you started this Sober Journey in the first place. You have to accept people’s differences to make this work. You have to stand by what is right for you, or you will keep going around in an exhausting cycle of stopping and starting.
RELATIONSHIP VISUALISATION - LISTEN TO ME
Listen to the visualisation and then on the RELATIONSHIPS page in your Sober Journal, note down any relationships you feel have changed; what’s coming up for you? What are you noticing with a fresh perspective?
The best thing about developing your own intuition through daily reflection is that you will strengthen your relationship with yourself so that you know, without clouded judgement, which relationships serve you and which do not.